I'm looking for my mother

Ding Shengmao

Shaanxi Association of Canada

January 10, 2026, 7:06 PM

Since my daughter Ding Hua's unexpected passing in January 2015, my granddaughter Wang Jiarui, who was once lively and cheerful, has become quiet and withdrawn, sometimes lost in thought. As her grandfather, I'm very worried about her. I try my best to spend time with her, playing with her on the sled, flying kites, and even letting her ride me like a horse at home. I do everything I can to make her happy. I also teach her Chinese, Tang poems, and multiplication tables.

She was only five years old then, and there were some things she only vaguely understood.

One clear night, we sat on the lawn in front of our house, her nestled beside me. The crescent moon hung low, the stars twinkled, making the night very peaceful, and the lawn exuded a unique, fresh scent. She gazed at the starry sky and asked me, "Grandpa, I miss Mommy. Where did Mommy go?" I told her, "Mommy went to Heaven!" "Where is Heaven?" she asked. "Heaven is in the sky. The brightest star you see might be Mommy!" I tried to comfort her. "When will Mommy come back?" "Mommy might not be back for a long time!" She asked again, "What should I do if I miss Mommy?" I told her, "Mommy will see you in your dreams!" I didn't know if she believed me; she seemed confused and bewildered…

On July 10th, her summer vacation started, and we prepared to return to China with her. It was raining heavily at Pearson Airport, and our flight was delayed by two hours. We finally boarded our flight to Beijing. She told me, "Grandpa, I want to sit in a row where I can see out!" I readily agreed. Half an hour later, the plane broke through the clouds and reached a certain altitude where we could see the blue sky and white clouds. She pressed her head against the window, looking out. I asked curiously, "Child, what are you looking at?" "I want to find my mom. You said mom is in the sky, and I want to see her!" Instantly, my nose tingled, and tears welled up in my eyes. What better way could I comfort a five-year-old child's longing for her mother? I held her and silently wept. A little while later, she fell asleep in my arms… About an hour later, her little mouth moved slightly, and her body twitched, calling out, "Mommy… Mommy!" She clutched a piece of chocolate tightly in her hand, clearly wanting to give it to her mother. I held her tightly, gently patting her body, trying to prevent her from convulsing…

Back in China, everything felt new and exciting to her. The animation city was thrilling, and there were so many kinds of snacks. We visited the Tang Dynasty Never Sleeping City, watched the musical fountain at the Big Wild Goose Pagoda Square, ate paomo (pita bread soaked in mutton soup) at Tong Sheng Xiang near the Bell Tower, and had persimmon cakes and Liu's roast chicken at the Muslim Quarter in Qiaozikou.

My husband and I took her to several scenic spots in other cities. While we were at Shahu Lake in Ningxia, she was sullen and didn't say a word. I thought she was tired, so I asked her if she was, and she shook her head. After resting for a while, I asked again, "Are you unhappy?" She said, "Everyone else is being led by their parents, but I'm being led by my grandparents. How can I be happy?" Her words left me speechless. Yes, several children walked past us, all led by their parents. This scene was very emotionally taxing for a child who had just lost her mother. On the lawn, she picked a withered dandelion, gently blew on it, and the dandelion seeds scattered in the wind, flying into the sky. It was as if she wanted the dandelion seeds to carry her wishes to find her mother's trace.

After we returned from our trip, she stayed at her aunt's house. Her aunt's daughter, Guoguo, had argued with her mother because she spent too much time playing on her phone. Guoguo told her, "I don't like my mom at all. She scolds me all day long, and I'm so fed up with her!" She told Guoguo, "Sister, you're silly! It's painful not to have a mom!" Guoguo was a few years older than her, and she called Guoguo "sister." Guoguo was immediately moved by her words!

Summer vacation passed quickly. In nearly two months, her Chinese improved rapidly. Not only did she no longer stutter, but she could also tell stories in Chinese. I asked her what she wished for back home. She quietly told me, "I want to go to Tiananmen Square in Beijing to see the flag-raising ceremony!" We happened to have a layover in Beijing, so we arrived a day early. Watching the five-starred red flag slowly rise and flutter in the wind, she was very excited. Like everyone else, she raised her right hand and solemnly saluted!

Although she was young, she had a patriotic heart, which moved me deeply.

After watching the flag-raising ceremony, we went to the Summer Palace and Wangfujing. At 4 pm, we boarded a Hainan Airlines flight from Beijing to Canada.